well well well.

look who's back.

18 hours ago I deleted instagram from my phone.

please… hold your applause.

The decision comes not because of the pressure to post or the idea of “privacy” or the interactions I’ve had with people. It was made purely because of the hours scrolling stole from my life. Days. Probably more.

The time taken from me is terrifying, what is scariest to me is that scrolling became my response to even the mildest form of boredom. Time I used to spend day dreaming and using my brain to fill the space between things would instead be filled with horrible visions, “funny” memes that make you second guess if anyone has ever truly loved you, racists and fascist getting their satisfying comeuppance and frogs that have befriended spiders.

The last one, admittedly, I will miss.

I am not religious, but I am very dramatic and love a little pageantry, I’ve always had a thing for the Seven Deadly Sins. So here is my relationship with scrolling, sin by sin.

Sloth (Acedia) - This I think is the obvious one. My scrolling habits were atrocious. Hours spent in the morning on my phone before I even could get out of bed. Laziness that seemed offensive to those who have died before me. Spitting in the face of the time that has been given me and whiling away my finite moments on this earth liking photos of beautiful people. Which leads me to the next Deadly Sin.

Lust (Luxuria) - Scrolling, in all its forms, has ruined lust. Lust is one of the better sins, one that, if practiced healthily, I am particularly fond of. But this is not a poetic lust. This is not the lust of lovers not yet met, exchanging glances over glasses and the brushing of fingertips. This is a disposable lust, a lust that removes the person from the body, that makes the vessel more important than its internal parts. The endless scrolling cheapens, removing all fun, romance, or indeed after a while, even lust itself, creating a mindless feedback loop of dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin. It is, ultimately, such a boring affair, and no way to seek out lovers.

Vanity (Vanagloria) - It is a way to seek out validation though. I have always maintained that my appearance is something that doesn’t hold much value to me, I didn’t do anything to have this appearance, so I take no ownership of it. But I am in the odd position of having access to plenty of people who can help me fill the void. And I have a void to fill. In a moment of insecurity or doubt, I can post a selfie or a workout mirror photo, and have my vanity validated instantly. Thirst trapping. If parched, I can always go drink from that poisoned well. Its waters giving momentary relief, only to turn into sand in my mouth. The validation is never enough, and because your fragile self-confidence is temporary and build on the opinions of others, any criticism can destroy you completely.

Pride (Superbia) - So you decide selfies are foolish, superficial and vain. You will only post about your work, you are an artist for fuck sakes! Concentrate on that. I found myself posting about things I had worked hard on. Things I had made with my mind or my hands, things that I was proud of. My book, my paintings, the film I wrote and directed, hell even this blog. But the same feedback loop occurred. Insecurity or doubt, posting to be validated, temporary self confidence, then emptiness.

Greed (Avaritia) - Then of course there is comparison, the well known thief of joy. This is maybe scrollings biggest crime. Scrolling makes you want other peoples lives and diminishes your own. You select the best moments of someone else’s existence and measure it against your worst. Everyone only posting their successes can assassinate your drive and make you feel worthless by comparison. You covet their achievements instead of celebrating your own and working towards new ones.

Wrath (Ira) - The news. The god damn news. More news than you could ever comprehend and far more news than you will ever need. It doesn’t make you a better person, It doesn’t change your habits or make you recycle more. It just makes you angry, and hot headed and a fucking bore to talk to. The constant and unending horrible news that pours out of my screen was starting to make me unbearable. So that I couldn’t hold a normal conversation with someone about anything without devolving into unfetter rage.

Despair (Tristitia) - All this information, If it doesn’t make you angry, it will make you depressed. I found myself when not yelling at the top of my lungs that the world is going to end, in bed unable to do or say anything. Uninterested in my hobbies and the things that brought me joy. So influenced by the scrolling screen, that I found doing anything else a Herculean task and was defeated before I started.

Gluttony (Gula) - I mean the whole thing. The whole thing is gluttony. Scrolling isn’t designed to be done in moderation, it works like a casino, it functions to keep people at the table.

So that’s it. I’m done. If I have to do some sort of work thing on it, I will pop on and post but I think finally over for me. I lived all of the last decade online, I can’t imagine doing another decade. It’s over. I am calling it quits. Buh bye.

…

So naturally I’ve decided to continue my unyielding screams into the void, desperately trying to find and connect with like minded people in an increasingly homogenous culture vacuum.

I have once again, found myself, typing with feeling, on this silly little blog of mine.

welcome back.

-A